Love's Symptom
Is love an emotion? Or is it too vast a word to describe or sum up. You hear people talk about love being unconditional and then there are others who talk of using a tough love. Some have a love that is described as toxic and is rejected by their suitors. However love is the one word that is used more than any other, but seems to be the least understood. The Bible tells us that God is love, but people use the word in ways that have nothing to do with Him. The most common connotation for love seems to actually be rooted in selfishness. A 'because of' love, if you will! People who love this way believe that describing and showing love in this way elevates the term (love), but in reality it degrades the term. Divorce exists as an alternative to supposed 'true love', but that makes no sense. Divorce exists primarily because love has been regulated to a mere emotion, and not used in its true form. Most cannot even recognize true love for lack of experience and familiarity. We only 'love' because of what someone can do for us and not for what we can do for, offer and/or sacrifice for them. We approach love purely from what we can get out of it, instead of what we can contribute/give. We take instead of give and we consume instead of produce. If love were merely an emotion, then how do you reconcile it ever being unconditional? Emotions change so frequently, based on things as simple and trivial as the weather and as complex, yet inevitable as tragedy and death. Our emotions feed directly off of our thoughts, so knowing that no one is ever 100 percent right or omniscient, we then have to conclude that our emotions that stem from our thoughts can be just as error-filled. We can feel one way one day and feel the opposite the next. Something or someone else could be affecting how we treat another. We allow our emotions in one situation to spill over into another and then, when we realize what we've been doing we often change back. Yet, with all that possibility for change in our emotions... why would we relegate love to such a fleeting and unstable subject. Love could never be unconditional as an emotion, because it does and can change so much. In order for love to ever be unconditional it would have to be something more stable and solid than emotions...
Love is not an emotion... but it can be felt! Love is a commitment evenly mixed with a choice. I know that definition is neither glamorous nor romantic, but it is the only way that it can be consistent enough to be unconditional. We ought to love, first, because we recognize and have received it, and then because we choose to. In choosing to love we then honor our choice by remaining committed despite the hard times, mistakes, failings and weaknesses. When we remain committed beyond everything, then and only then is our love unconditional. True love is nothing less. A mere emotion pales in comparison with 'true love'. We erroneously love people because of how they make us feel about ourself, instead of because we really love them and are ready to sacrifice or do for them expecting nothing in return. Most people actually lack such a real concept for love that they are not even aware that the word 'charity' is its synonym. When we give to charities we are participating in 'true love'... giving and expecting nothing in return. When we give because we recognize another person's need and not because we hope to get some service, gratitude and/or appreciation, then we have been truly charitable... loving! People's inability to recognize the synonymous nature between the words 'love' and 'charity' actually prove the point that love is woefully misunderstood today. Our national divorce rate is so high as a direct result. However don't get me wrong and assume that my mention of divorce in this context means that it is unwarranted in all cases, it just means that it is being misused, misapplied and abused in most cases.
God is love! Not us. His capacity for complete and unconditional love is unique to Him as an eternal characteristic. We only see it in glimpses and fading moments. When we love someone unconditionally we cannot always sustain that as a continual action, at least not if our only experience in love is self serving and manipulated to please ourselves (rather than others). We try to control our circumstances, our environment, and 'loved ones' in ways that are pleasing to us and then label it love. Yet, that is not love that is being selfish. We do for others because we want to be treated a certain way, looked at a certain way, we want something in return and/or we just want to be accepted. Sometimes we even give/sacrifice because we want the good feelings of pride and self-righteousness that usually comes after we've been charitable and sacrificed. Again, don't get the wrong idea and think that no one is capable of pure charity/love... it's just that there are so many who are confused about how love should work and/or look within a relationship, that they can't recognize it. They have never seen, nor experienced it. Some people merely want a better community to live in, and as innocuous of an idea as that seems, it could reveal their seemingly charitable behavior as self-preservation and survival. We may want our neighbors to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens because then we gain some false assurance that they (our neighbors) won't steal, kill or destroy us, our family and/or our possessions.
As humans we form addictions easy. The ones we give the most attention to are the ones that use drugs and alcohol. However we hardly ever hear about how some people are addicted to certain emotions or feelings. There are people who are addicted to what is known as NRE (New Relationship Energy). Those of us who have this kind of addiction are consumed by the feeling that comes with being in a new relationship and so they end romances that have grown wax and look for a new victim to feed their habit. They are also known as serial monogamists. Then there are those who are addicted to the positive, euphoric, drunk-like feelings that come when we experience the good side of love. Notice the distinction being made between love and the feeling love can cause. We so often confuse things and limit love to just those types of feeling and think that love does not exist if those feelings are not there. We become addicted to Love's symptom (its product) and pass over true Love's full experience. We settle for one of the fruits of love instead of the tree that is love. Love is not always pretty, clean and/or romantic! Sometimes it is downright ugly, dirty and/or mundane; however when love is truly recognized it is always beautiful. Loving a drug addict, forgiving a murderer or cheater, cleaning up your spouse's vomit (when they are sick)... do not seem very pretty, glamorous or romantic, but in most ways prove love exists more there than a candle-lit, rooftop dinner overlooking the entire city on a warm, mildly breezy, full moon-lit night.
Are you addicted to Love's symptom and mostly unfamiliar with love itself? Are you addicted to the feeling that love can sometimes give you instead of being committed to others by way of choice? Do you find yourself only looking to feel good and using people in your life to help you feel that way instead of owning your own emotions and taking responsibility for how you think and subsequently feel. Knowing that our emotions respond directly to our thoughts can help us to understand that we need to control how we look at things in order to control how we feel. We do not have to allow our emotions to control us, therefore produce uncontrolled addictive behavior. We can control our emotions by controlling how we choose to look at people, things and our environment. What we think about things determines our reality; not in some mysterious or metaphysical way, but merely by the fact that we can only see things according to our interpretation of said things. Think of some typical stereotypes and you'll understand how our preconceived notions can determine how we view and subsequently respond. Sometimes our thoughts of people, things and our environment can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. We can literally talk ourselves out of things, by believing them too good to be true or not having enough faith in people. People never try their hand at some things because they have convinced themselves that they are not good enough or fear rejection so much that they insult, shun, curse and drive away whatever they fear (or is related to their fear). When we allow our emotions to control us we then believe that we need to control others, things and our environment in order to feel certain ways. No one wants to feel negative emotions, so they do everything they can to only feel positive ones. However life is designed for us to experience its ebb and flow, positive and negative, yin and yang! Our addictions to only positive emotions fuel our behavior in trying to control and manipulate the world around us and the people in it just for the purposes of suiting our fancy. You have people who claim to be Christian whose only purpose for evangelizing is to get others around them to behave decently so they can feel safe and secure, not for the purpose of the pure interest of the one they have evangelized. You have male and female courtiers who have a preconceived notion and vision of the perfect mate... even before they meet that someone. They then spend the rest of their relationship (sometimes lives) trying to get their mate to conform and change into their idea of Mr. /Mrs. Right. We go through so much angst, stress and conflict trying to get our mates to change to suit our desires. If we start owning our emotions and stop making others responsible for how we feel, then maybe we can begin to see how we can truly be content and peaceful. In being responsible for our own emotions we then deal better with each other... blame falls away and we then become more attractive to our mates. It's not that all relationship-related strife and conflict will go away, but the more practised we are the less trials we have to endure. Stop merely pursuing the symptom of love and quest now for love itself!
"YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE AND NOT WHAT LOVES YOU!"
Love is not an emotion... but it can be felt! Love is a commitment evenly mixed with a choice. I know that definition is neither glamorous nor romantic, but it is the only way that it can be consistent enough to be unconditional. We ought to love, first, because we recognize and have received it, and then because we choose to. In choosing to love we then honor our choice by remaining committed despite the hard times, mistakes, failings and weaknesses. When we remain committed beyond everything, then and only then is our love unconditional. True love is nothing less. A mere emotion pales in comparison with 'true love'. We erroneously love people because of how they make us feel about ourself, instead of because we really love them and are ready to sacrifice or do for them expecting nothing in return. Most people actually lack such a real concept for love that they are not even aware that the word 'charity' is its synonym. When we give to charities we are participating in 'true love'... giving and expecting nothing in return. When we give because we recognize another person's need and not because we hope to get some service, gratitude and/or appreciation, then we have been truly charitable... loving! People's inability to recognize the synonymous nature between the words 'love' and 'charity' actually prove the point that love is woefully misunderstood today. Our national divorce rate is so high as a direct result. However don't get me wrong and assume that my mention of divorce in this context means that it is unwarranted in all cases, it just means that it is being misused, misapplied and abused in most cases.
God is love! Not us. His capacity for complete and unconditional love is unique to Him as an eternal characteristic. We only see it in glimpses and fading moments. When we love someone unconditionally we cannot always sustain that as a continual action, at least not if our only experience in love is self serving and manipulated to please ourselves (rather than others). We try to control our circumstances, our environment, and 'loved ones' in ways that are pleasing to us and then label it love. Yet, that is not love that is being selfish. We do for others because we want to be treated a certain way, looked at a certain way, we want something in return and/or we just want to be accepted. Sometimes we even give/sacrifice because we want the good feelings of pride and self-righteousness that usually comes after we've been charitable and sacrificed. Again, don't get the wrong idea and think that no one is capable of pure charity/love... it's just that there are so many who are confused about how love should work and/or look within a relationship, that they can't recognize it. They have never seen, nor experienced it. Some people merely want a better community to live in, and as innocuous of an idea as that seems, it could reveal their seemingly charitable behavior as self-preservation and survival. We may want our neighbors to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens because then we gain some false assurance that they (our neighbors) won't steal, kill or destroy us, our family and/or our possessions.
As humans we form addictions easy. The ones we give the most attention to are the ones that use drugs and alcohol. However we hardly ever hear about how some people are addicted to certain emotions or feelings. There are people who are addicted to what is known as NRE (New Relationship Energy). Those of us who have this kind of addiction are consumed by the feeling that comes with being in a new relationship and so they end romances that have grown wax and look for a new victim to feed their habit. They are also known as serial monogamists. Then there are those who are addicted to the positive, euphoric, drunk-like feelings that come when we experience the good side of love. Notice the distinction being made between love and the feeling love can cause. We so often confuse things and limit love to just those types of feeling and think that love does not exist if those feelings are not there. We become addicted to Love's symptom (its product) and pass over true Love's full experience. We settle for one of the fruits of love instead of the tree that is love. Love is not always pretty, clean and/or romantic! Sometimes it is downright ugly, dirty and/or mundane; however when love is truly recognized it is always beautiful. Loving a drug addict, forgiving a murderer or cheater, cleaning up your spouse's vomit (when they are sick)... do not seem very pretty, glamorous or romantic, but in most ways prove love exists more there than a candle-lit, rooftop dinner overlooking the entire city on a warm, mildly breezy, full moon-lit night.
Are you addicted to Love's symptom and mostly unfamiliar with love itself? Are you addicted to the feeling that love can sometimes give you instead of being committed to others by way of choice? Do you find yourself only looking to feel good and using people in your life to help you feel that way instead of owning your own emotions and taking responsibility for how you think and subsequently feel. Knowing that our emotions respond directly to our thoughts can help us to understand that we need to control how we look at things in order to control how we feel. We do not have to allow our emotions to control us, therefore produce uncontrolled addictive behavior. We can control our emotions by controlling how we choose to look at people, things and our environment. What we think about things determines our reality; not in some mysterious or metaphysical way, but merely by the fact that we can only see things according to our interpretation of said things. Think of some typical stereotypes and you'll understand how our preconceived notions can determine how we view and subsequently respond. Sometimes our thoughts of people, things and our environment can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. We can literally talk ourselves out of things, by believing them too good to be true or not having enough faith in people. People never try their hand at some things because they have convinced themselves that they are not good enough or fear rejection so much that they insult, shun, curse and drive away whatever they fear (or is related to their fear). When we allow our emotions to control us we then believe that we need to control others, things and our environment in order to feel certain ways. No one wants to feel negative emotions, so they do everything they can to only feel positive ones. However life is designed for us to experience its ebb and flow, positive and negative, yin and yang! Our addictions to only positive emotions fuel our behavior in trying to control and manipulate the world around us and the people in it just for the purposes of suiting our fancy. You have people who claim to be Christian whose only purpose for evangelizing is to get others around them to behave decently so they can feel safe and secure, not for the purpose of the pure interest of the one they have evangelized. You have male and female courtiers who have a preconceived notion and vision of the perfect mate... even before they meet that someone. They then spend the rest of their relationship (sometimes lives) trying to get their mate to conform and change into their idea of Mr. /Mrs. Right. We go through so much angst, stress and conflict trying to get our mates to change to suit our desires. If we start owning our emotions and stop making others responsible for how we feel, then maybe we can begin to see how we can truly be content and peaceful. In being responsible for our own emotions we then deal better with each other... blame falls away and we then become more attractive to our mates. It's not that all relationship-related strife and conflict will go away, but the more practised we are the less trials we have to endure. Stop merely pursuing the symptom of love and quest now for love itself!
"YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE AND NOT WHAT LOVES YOU!"
posted by Found at 11:21 AM
6 Comments:
Before reading your blog I always thought that love was an emoition one that could not be controlled. I thought that you had no choice with who u fell in love because it was just that "falling in love". I now understand that love is a choice coupled with some emotion and it should be given with no expectations, no attachements or addictions, if you will. It's hard to own your emotions and take responsibility for them but it can be done! I think in our society we are not taught to own our emoitons yet put the blame on someone or something else.
Bravo! on a Blog well written!
Interesting, as it offered much of the ideology I have been thinking and speaking about for sometime, in terms of most peoples' assertion of having NO control over their emotions. A terribly juvenile assertion, often used as justification for behavior/s that they are simply un-willing to take responsibility.
I don't think I have experienced true love by your definition. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be loved and feel the love that is being offered. I am able to feel God's love every single day of my life.
I think that I am addicted to positive feelings and love's symptom. I also think that most of us are. I like the way being loved makes me feel on the inside. I do agree with you that love is not always pretty but the good should out weigh the bad. With that being said I don't think that I love simply for what someone can do for me. Many times I have loved and not really received anything in return except feelings of inadequacy. We are flesh and flesh is selfish and weak.
You say that love is a commitment evenly mixed with a choice. When we choose to no longer be committed, do we just stop loving the person? I don’t know about you but I can’t turn love off so easily like a switch. Once I commit and choose to be in love with someone it is mostly for a lifetime. Needless to say I don’t just fall in love all the time with everyone. I whole heartedly believe that love is unconditional, without any conditions. Love that is conditional is simply not love but a way to control the other.
I struggle with controlling my emotions on a daily basis. Sometimes I am successful but most times I am not. I am aware that our emotions respond directly to our thoughts which creates my reality (not necessarily an accurate reality). Therefore, the key is controlling my thoughts and outlook on life. I guess my question to you is how does one break this addiction and break it for good. I want to experience true love by your definition and be able to recognize it and receive it when it is offered.
Someone in my life is offering true love to me but I guess because I can’t necessarily feel it all the time I am therefore rejecting their love. I understand from reading the bible and your blog that love is a synonym for charity. Love should be given freely without ANY expectations. I want to learn how to receive their love before I lose it. I do accept the fact that they love me but this is not enough.
It sounds as though you have diagnosed your own issues. If you truly have the awareness that you espouse then you do see the difference between being addicted to positive feelings (that are sometimes felt in love) and love's actuality. The actuality of love is not merely limited to emotions… however it always causes us to feel. There is no consistency to the emotions that love can evoke, nor should we look for there always to be (the same positive feelings that you had when you and that person first met). The only consistency that can be derived from love will only flow from your relationship with God… He is the only constant! We should not look for or depend on any other human to provide us with something that only God can give in the first place.
In the following statement you said, “I like the way being loved makes me feel on the inside.” That statement shows the importance of deriving these feelings first from God and then, only allowing others to be validations (of those feelings) and not the source. We place too much emphasis, importance and/or dependence on others making us feel certain ways. We love (or better yet, ‘are addicted’) to the way someone makes us feel and not actually have a true concept of love. Love is patient, kind, not self-seeking, etc… however we have the ‘What have you done for me lately?’ approach than we do the sacrificial, giving type of love. Instead of being responsible and getting what you need out of your relationship with God first, again we erroneously turn to each other to feel fulfilled. When you say the following, “Many times I have loved and not really received anything in return except feelings of inadequacy. We are flesh and flesh is selfish and weak.” We have to be careful of not using our beliefs to shape our realities… when reality should shape and determine our beliefs! If you continually use complex reasoning to try to determine simple truths, then you will not gain the insight needed to break free from your own thoughts. Yes, it is true that our flesh is selfish; however our ability to rationalize and restrain our desires should never be simply passed over for your own benefit. When we allow our passions to go unchecked then we become slaves to folly, lust, greed and unbridled, raw emotion. Love is unconditional, however even it has boundaries and limits. We are so worried about maintaining our supposed ‘free will’ that we do not even try to control ourselves. Within the doctrine of ‘free will’ we feel as though without it we are nothing more than robots, but in the process of defining our ‘free will’ we fail to exercise self-restraint (of our emotions), often until it is too late.
You also say that, “I don’t know about you but I can’t turn love off so easily like a switch.” Yet if we were really able to distinguish between true love and the addiction to how someone makes us feel about ourselves, then you would not feel it necessary to turn love off just because you decide to alter your level of commitment. Your commitment level should always be to that other person’s best interests… so if you decide that it is better for them for you to no longer be together, then you are committed. Your commitment should be to their betterment and not to yours or even an ideal of staying together (when it is obvious that you need to be apart). Leaving someone to themselves can sometimes be just the right medicine, but that decision should not be taken lightly or easily. Great care and discrimination should be followed as to how to distinguish between your own selfish desire to be left alone (and simultaneous realization that you are the problem) versus seeing that they need to move on in life (because you recognize how you are hindering them). You are still loving them when this decision is made, again if you are rightly discerning that moving on is truly best for them. Sometimes people can see and receive messages better from others, so you must let them. Sometimes you can also see that you are the problem and instead of attempting to change while you’re with them you made need some time to figure yourself out. It is not fair to take the person through whatever it is that you need to discover. Setting something or someone free can be the best example of love that you could ever pass on (having said that, you should be careful as to just not be lazy and be leaving merely because you cannot handle the pressure of conflict). As long as you and this person are not constantly fighting and going beyond respect and decency, then you should consider a compromise and/or resolution of some sort. It may take a third party or mediator of some sort, but a mild dilemma could possibly benefit from an objective set of eyes/ears (perspective).
Love can only be unconditional within a set of parameters… I know it sounds contradictory, but it’s true. Forgiveness is the heart of true love, however if it (forgiveness) is not sought or desired, then it is ineffective and useless. The condition of wanting to be forgiven can open the door for unconditional love. We should not try to bind love within the realm of blind acceptance. We should allow love to choose. Love should be free to define its own terms… pick its own object (for its affections). It is much sweeter when love is mutual, but not necessary. Love is what you have to offer and not what object of your love has to offer you. Love is not burdensome, it lightens your load. It exchanges its easiness for your burdens, sins and grief. When you love you will do the same. The unconditional nature of love is only visible when you are the one offering it, because you have truly been on its receiving end. You cannot give it, if you have never experienced it. Love is not complete in you until you turn and give it to someone else (after you’ve gained it yourself)!
The only way to break the addiction to ‘love’s symptom’ is to desire something greater. Fix your mind on things that are better and longer lasting than a good feeling (that can come and go with the change of the weather or even the wind). Move beyond your emotions and think more of others (welfare). Breaking any addiction can only happen when you choose to want things greater than just pleasing yourself. We do things (or are addicted to things) simply because we ‘want to’; and unless or until you change your ‘want to’ there will be no change or relief from addiction! Our desire is really not for the things themselves, but actually what we believe lies beyond the things. The things are just tools to help us achieve what we really want. Even in drug addiction… we desire ‘the high’ that comes from using the drugs (the tool), not the actual drugs. No one truly just likes the taste, smell or sight of drugs… they love ‘the high’ it gives. When I talk of breaking the cycle of addiction, I’m not talking about low level attempts at distracting yourself from desiring ‘the high’ (which is how most try to stop the abuse of addiction); I’m talking about really seeing how to achieve a better ‘high’ through really seeing something better (not through brainwashing, self torture, self-recrimination and self-degradation). Please do not misunderstand… I do not feel that true love can be reasoned or rationalized; I believe that it can only be shown by the example of experience. Again, breaking the cycle of addiction will only come through a desire of something greater/better than ‘the high’ you get of personal pleasure… through pleasing others (focusing on someone other than you)!
First, let me say I do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I do not look for or depend on man for constant love. Flesh is imperfect and therefore man can not provide me with what I need. God is the only one that has provided me with everything that I need. With that being said, God put us here to be with one another. He gave us the ability to love one another. I think I do understand what you are saying. We must be fulfilled in our relationship with God first and only then can we have an unselfish relationship with others.
One thing you mentioned is that if you decide that it is better for them for you to no longer be together, then you are committed. I disagree; I think that this is just an excuse to abandon the person. You say that leaving someone to themselves can be right, but what if the person does not want to be left? Then what, you decide what is best for them? Do you then just love them from afar? You say that it is not fair to take the person through whatever it is that you need to discover, I agree with this to a point. If I love someone unconditionally and fully then I will accept them with their attributes as well as their faults. No one is perfect! I am not saying to have no limitations but your love should not be conditional. I think love can sometimes be burdensome because the person you choose to love may have issues.
I am working on correcting my addiction to love’s symptom everyday. I do understand that I need to move beyond my emotions and correct my wrong thinking, but this doesn’t mean I don’t think of others. I am truly concerned with others and their wellbeing and of course you do not know this. I attempt to be there for my family and friends in every way possible. Please understand that I am not making excuses for my addiction but not everyone fits in cookie cutter generalizations.
Sasha, you say, "One thing you mentioned is that if you decide that it is better for them for you to no longer be together, then you are committed. I disagree; I think that this is just an excuse to abandon the person. You say that leaving someone to themselves can be right, but what if the person does not want to be left? Then what, you decide what is best for them?" All I can really say is that anyone's decision to leave should be based on reasons having to do with the other person in mind. If the other person does not wish or desire to be apart, then it is up to you to decide if your decision is still in their best interest. Sometimes the other person’s desire not to part reveals what the problem is. In my previous response I said that, "As long as you and this person are not constantly fighting and going beyond respect and decency..." If you and this person are constantly fighting or becoming physically violent then it is obvious that you need to part. You even state that, "I am not saying to have no limitations..." You have to make up your mind which rule you will apply! Having no limitations can open you and the other person to a lot of abuse. If you or the other person are too abusive towards each other and need time away then I suggest you take that time and not continue! Continuing when you should not is what domestic violent situations are made of. We need to be careful when we desire others around us who are dangerous to and for us. Also determining that you are the dangerous one for someone else is the first step to love and maturity. Leaving could be the best thing for them (if you realize that you are the problem, again leaving could be the best thing for the other person).
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